The way of the happy woman

Women are intimately tied to the rhythms and cycles of nature, yet ignore this connection at their peril, says Sara Avant Stover, yoga teacher and author of The Way of the Happy Woman.

What is The Way of the Happy Woman? It is an ancient way of living in harmony with oneself and one’s surroundings as a feminine being in the modern world. This requires simplifying, slowing down, aligning with natural rhythms and cycles, and living from the inside out through self-care practices: seasonal yoga, meditation, lifestyle, and nutrition. The Way negates the need to fix or perfect oneself and instead embraces radical acceptance and self-love. It leads women home to their essential natures - radiant, indestructible happiness.

How do you define happiness? As a little girl, my one wish as I blew out my birthday candles every year was always, “To be happy.” This longing is universal and intrinsic to the human experience, for happiness is our natural state. We long to return to our essence, to who we truly are. Since women are natural nurturers, we’re accustomed to making others happy. Plus, many of us think that how we look, what we weigh, who we marry, or how much money we make will make us happy, so we’re always striving to be better, younger, thinner, more beautiful. All this striving only brings more suffering. The happiness I’m talking about is a stripping away of the belief that someone or something can make us happy. We’re the only ones who can do that, and doing so is a daily practice that we must devote ourselves to. Women need to know that we deserve to be happy; and to make that a priority in our lives. It comes in simple, ordinary ways, through how we show up for life each day. There’s nothing mysterious about it. Happiness is attainable, ordinary, and tangible.

Tell us about your personal journey leading up to this book. I reached a crisis point in 1999 where I realised I had no idea how to be a woman! I felt I had no map and no role models. This culminated in my diagnosis of early cervical cancer. My wake-up call summoned me to truly face myself - my unfelt, unexpressed emotions, eating disorders, menstrual irregularities, and low self-esteem. Shortly after, I moved to Thailand for a job. There, I embraced the tools and lifestyle I needed to heal: yoga, Buddhist meditation, detoxification programs, and traditional Chinese medicine. I also found women teachers and mentors. Slowly, my health improved, as did my happiness. Then, as I began teaching yoga around the world, I met other women who were suffering in the same ways that I had; and I had the wisdom and resources to help them. That’s how The Way of the Happy Woman began. This book is the culmination of everything I have learned and taught over the past 12 years.

You outline a map for one year. How can busy women make time for this? This path is simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy! First, women need to find the courage to really see and feel the parts of themselves that they’ve turned away from and call these lost parts of themselves home. Only when a woman travels alone into the darkness of her own soul can she step back out into the light, sovereign over her life. She needs to believe she is worthy of being happy. Once she knows it’s a priority, there’s always time. For some women this means waking up 10 minutes early to meditate before the kids wake up. For others it means watching one hour less of TV each day or powering down the computer 30 minutes earlier to exercise, cook a beautiful meal, or write in her journal. Look for the things that lead you away from yourself and replace them with things that lead you to yourself.

You combine different elements - the seasons, yoga, meditation, recipes. Why? We need tools and practices to bring our inner lives out and our outer lives in. So the yoga and meditation connect us inwardly. We experience ourselves as more than our thoughts and outer roles and activities. We learn to trust our bodies and intuition. Then we need nurturing foods to give our bodies the sustenance they need. All of these things, when adapted to the seasons, connect us to the changing rhythms of earth, and of our own hearts and lives. When we do this, we feel connected to ourselves and to all of life. We become more trusting of change and steered from an inner compass.

Can men learn from this, too? Certainly! I choose to address women specifically because they are the hubs of families and communities. We’re the ancient cooking fire - we put the sustenance on the stove and gather others around to feast on it - whether that’s with food or information. When we change and heal ourselves, we share that with the people we love. We keep paying it forward. That’s how real change happens. And there’s nothing more inspiring than a woman who’s radiant, alive, and at home in herself. She’s infectious!

What are the biggest challenges facing women today? Without a doubt, stress - from working too much, resting too little, from toxicity in air, food, and water, and from denying our emotions, or acting out from them unskilfully. These all weaken our connection to our spirits. They flood our bodies with adrenalin and cortisol that leach precious vitality, leaving us run down, and, eventually, sick. We need to eliminate stress as much as possible and find new ways to cope with unavoidable stressors.

Any parting advice for our readers? You deserve to be happy beyond your wildest dreams! And you’re the only one who can do that for yourself - not a knight in shining armour, a lottery ticket, or a magic pill. You have to slow down, simplify, do less, and let your guard down. You have to ask for and receive support. You have to say ‘no’ more in order to say ‘yes’ to yourself. It’s in the quiet, ordinary moments that you’ll truly meet yourself. It’s in weathering the seasons of your life with dignity and grace that you’ll find your true power as a woman in the world.

Silence and solitude

Every woman needs pockets of these daily. Also mindfulness - this gets us to pay attention to what’s happening in each moment, wakes us up to our lives and gets us out of our overly busy minds. You can combine both of these in a minimum of 10 minutes of meditation every day. We also need sleep. If we’re not sleeping well or enough, everything falls apart. We also need beauty and pleasure - adorning ourselves in nice clothes and jewellery, buying ourselves flowers, dancing, listening to music, making art, and appreciating what is exquisite. If a woman has these things each day, she will dramatically improve her happiness.

The rhythm of life

In modern society we’ve become so estranged from nature. Those of us who live in cities can go for months without breathing fresh air. Our sleeping and waking cycles are no longer dependent upon the sun; and our menstrual cycles no longer mirror the waxing and waning of the moon. However, we are creatures of nature and, for women, this link is especially potent. As the centres of our families and communities, we’re the ones who preserve the sacred balance of all things. Our bodies, emotions, and spirits are tremendously sensitive to the rhythms of life. But we’ve forgotten this; and so we suffer. We can’t sleep, get cancer, become infertile, develop uterine fibroids and cysts, and more. Reclaiming nature’s rhythms is what can heal us and heal the world at large, too. It’s not sustainable to go full throttle day after day. We need cycles of blooming, maturation, decay, death, and rebirth. Light is the other side of dark. Happiness is the other side of sorrow. One can never exist without the other.

5 secrets happy women know

Here are five tried-and-true (and simple) ways to start treating your own happiness as your most sacred daily duty.

1. Be selfish: Every morning ask yourself, "What can I do just for me today?" As women we’re virtuosic ‘givers’, but happiness requires us to also strengthen our receiving muscles. Put yourself first. Throughout the day ask, “What would bring harmony and balance now?” or “What do I really need in this moment?” Then respond accordingly. Take a bath. Eat a big bowl of porridge. Get a pedicure. Go for a walk in the sun. Nurture yourself and you'll have much more to give others.

2. Play with dirt: Women are intricately linked to the Earth’s cycles and rhythms. The more we recognise and synch up with them, the healthier and happier we become. Before you hole yourself up in an air-conditioned office or go for a run on the first day of your period, do yourself a favour. Notice what's happening inside you. Notice what's happening outside of you. Then feel into how you can reconcile the two. Rest and be quiet on the new moon; and dance and throw a dinner party for your girlfriends on the full moon. Eat salads in summer and stews in winter; be kind to your body when you’re menstruating, and push it when you’re feeling frisky.

3. Let love trump all: I've had times in my life where my heart hurts so much that it literally feels like it's breaking. They usually come in the midst of great loss, or when you witness something magical and precious. These are important moments to stay present for because your heart can open and you can taste who you truly are - beyond emotions, thoughts, and circumstances. Stay present to what the moment brings, even if it’s coloured with sorrow. Sadness often opens the door into compassion and love, for yourself and others. Even when it hurts, open yourself to each moment’s truth.

4. Dance, sister, dance! Women are wired to experience and express pleasure, and the more we consciously create regular circumstances for bliss, the healthier and happier we will become. Dance is one of the best ways to do this. Don’t let a day go by without dancing, even if it’s just swinging your hips as you wash the dishes. Or, do it fully by going out dancing with your lover or girlfriends or taking a Nia, salsa, or tango class. Dissolve into the rhythm and movement and enjoy how it lights you up from deep inside.

5. Fake it ‘til you make it! When you’re in a funk, resist your resistance. Smiling (even a simple “Buddha smile”) elicits the secretion of feel good hormones. Don a toothy grin while you have a shower. Answer the phone with a more enthusiastic “Hello!” than you’re used to. Watch a slapstick comedy when you feel like crawling into a dark hole. Wear a sexy bra and panty set when you’re tired and bloated. Laugh at yourself and don’t take life so seriously!

Source: /natureandhealth.com.au/